Creating emotional safety in the family
Ways we Shut our Children Down

Creating the Emotional Safety that fosters trust in the parent/child relationship

Children need to feel emotionally safe in their home, they need to gain the trust that their feelings will be responded to with the sensitivity, care and respect that they deserve. This is what allows children to be honest about what they really feel and really need and responsible with their feelings.  A child who lives with fears of criticism and rejection tend to put a lot of energy into defending themselves, which can manifest as aggression, sulking, defiance, refusal to listen or cooperate in other ways. 

When children feel unsafe, they become defensive and spend a lot of energy deflecting criticism and tend to feel generally unsettled and unsupported.  When children feel unsafe emotionall, they tend to complain about all sorts of things that their parents do in an attempt to show their parents that their needs are not being met. This is confusing for child and parent because the parent may feel that they are doing everything for their child, meeting all their child’s needs and yet their child is still unsettled, grumpy and ungrateful. 

When parents first come to our Peaceful Parent Courses, they often identify that their child has learned to not cry and to hide their vulnerability.  They become aware that when their child is upset, rather than showing those feelings and letting themselves talk or cry to release those pent up toxic feelings, instead they act out those feelings through unhealthy behaviours that are aggressive towards others or by shutting down, becoming aloof, bored, sarcastic or passive aggressive in other ways.  When parents learn this model, they quickly realize the importance of their children remaining open, honest and vulnerable with their feelings and the value of a child seeking support and listening from their parents. 

To encourage your child to open up, it helps to create for them a culture between you of emotional safety. 

Ways that we Shut our Children Down

Traditional parenting approaches tend to focus on changing the child’s behaviour without fully exploring the underlying feelings that drive the behaviour. Yet coercing children to change their actions through the threat of punishments and imposed consequences does come at a cost. When children do as they're told, without their feelings, wishes and wants being taken into consideration, they are being conditioned to do what others believe is best they don't spend a lot of time developing their ability to identify, feel and express their feelings honestly. Hence, they may learn to minimize, deny, ignore and generally become conflicted about trusting their feelings and needs. In other words, they can become emotionally quite confused and "mixed up". Another cost is the effects on the relationship between child and parent, because the child feels coerced much of the time, the trust is compromised.  Parents can ask their child, “how do you feel about yourself when I criticize you/ tell you that you have to do what I ask without complaining/ impose a punishment because you broke the rules?” and they will often hear the truth, as long as the child feels reassured that their parent is genuinely interested in their thoughts and feelings. Children have a huge urge to tell us the truth when they can trust that it's safe to be honest and what they share will be respected and not used against them. 

We need to protect, respect and honour our child's trust in us. When our children show us how they really feel and what they really think, they are giving us the opportunity to listen to them, to understand them and to help them.  When we respond in ways that give them the message that we're not really listening, not really caring about their feelings or otherwise denying, dismissing or being critical of their feelings, we compromise our child's trust in us, this trust may start to diminish and need rebuilding.

Common ways that parents shut their child down emotionally and compromise their child's trust in them are to respond to their actions and expressions of feelings in ways that give the following messages:

-- we don’t like their thoughts and feelings and wish they were different,
-- we don’t like the sort of person they are when they show us these thoughts and feelings,
-- we can’t cope with their thoughts and feelings, we feel upset, confused, overwhelmed, angry, resentful and we hate being made to feel like this,
-- we know better, they should listen to us because we’re older and wiser,
-- their thoughts and feelings are being exaggerated "are you sure it was THAT bad?!" (most people of all ages exaggerate when emotions are strong)
-- they shouldn’t complain, "oh come on, it’s not that bad!"
-- we don't trust their motives; "oh yeah, I'm sure you weren't so innocent either"
-- we think they’re making a mountain out of a mole hill,
-- we think they should be stronger "why do you let them get to you, you're bigger than that!",
-- we think they should be more responsible and more in control "why do you react?!",
-- we feel more empathy for the person they’re annoyed with than them "and what did you do to them in the first place?"
-- we think they are their own worst enemy "you only have yourself to blame, if you had ...",
-- we think they’re causing everyone to be unhappy because of their thoughts and feelings "we were all having a nice time until you got upset!"

Listening to and supporting our child's disappointments

Our children will live in a world of greater emotional safety when we parents can stay connected to them as they cry and tantrum about the things that upset, disappoint and frustrate them. Children will have the chance to grow up with permission to release hurt feelings and feel loved and supported in the process. Listening with empathy heals a child's scared, lonely and angry feelings. Most parents were not themselves listened to during their upsets as children and these unresolved feelings can surface when their child is upset. Parents can develop their ability to bear, listen to and care for their child's big feelings by gaining supportive listening for themselves.

Offering love and listening to children while they show us what worries and upsets them, supports them to listen to their own feelings, to trust their own feelings. They gain the opportunity to work through their problems and naturally start to feel stronger and gain valuable insights. And, fortunately, children with parents who continue to listen to and validate their feelings grow up to be compassionate towards themselves, others and their planet.

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