Sibling Rivalry

There are lots of factors that contribute to sibling rivalry such as

• feelings of resentment, jealousy,
• their need for your attention,
• the inability to understand another’s point of view,
• frustration at being less skilled than a sibling,
• feeling excluded,
• the need to release pent up feelings which are easy to take out on a sibling,
• redirecting anger towards a parent at a sibling to avoid conflict with the parent/ teachers/ other authority figures,
• acting out how they’ve been made feel,
• competitiveness …  and the list goes on.  
• There may be a need for information
• their need to release pent up frustrations. 

If kids are not getting enough support from the parent, they will generally take their frustrations out on each other.  When kids are treated with force or criticism, they will generally take their anger out on each other.  They will generally take all their hurt out on each other unless they’re receiving help with those difficult feelings. 

How can parents/caregivers help children resolve conflicts with each other?

If either or both children are upset, each child will need:

As each child gets these needs met, they will begin to:

The most important factors in responding to sibling rivalry are:

Derogatory language: (read also Patty Wipfler's article on rude language from articles page)

Rather than criticizing the derogatory language “don’t you use that kind of language in this house”, you can re- phrase; e.g. child to sibling; “you did that just to hurt me”, parent; “you felt like your brother intentionally wanted to hurt you and you felt very upset about that”, child “Yes, she DID do it on purpose to hurt me!”, parent to sibling “do you want to give your perspective of what happened?”
The listening will allow each of them to get it all off their chest, to feel heard, understood and cared for.  Optionally, the parent could have looked to second child and interpreted “your brother feels like you did it on purpose to hurt him, do you want to share from your perspective?”. 

Hold back your advice and solutions. 

Try to resist the temptation to give advice and offer solutions or push them to find solutions or be remorseful too early while emotions are still high.  When children are emotionally charged, they can’t and won’t be reasonable.  They are simply not operating from the reasoning part of their brain, they’re in a highly emotional state, which is where you need to meet them and hopefully bring some sense of calm and safety, which will help them transition back to a more reasoning place.  When painful emotions are present, they need help with their feelings before they can be reasonable. Trust that your listening will help them make their way back to feeling more reasonable and able to see the other’s point of view.  They learn a lot from each other when supported to talk and listen through to the other side.  You’ll notice lots of little but important misunderstandings being cleared up as you facilitate their sharing and listening. 

Should they say sorry? 

When they begin to calm down, you can bring in questions like “is there anything that either of you wish you had done differently?”, showing regret “I wish I had used my words rather than kicking you” allows the other to feel that remorse is being expressed.  When each of them express remorse, “I wish I had …” or “next time I’m going to … instead” or “I’m sorry I called you a …” it allows them to feel like they’ve put it right and releases them from feelings of guilt, shame or hardness, so it’s good to support them in this process.  When your approach is caring and supportive they won’t feel forced to express remorse before they’re ready.  If they do say “Sorry!!!” with anger still in their voice, you can tell them “it’s ok if you’re not ready to feel sorry, is there anything else you need to help you feel better again?”.  “what do you need to feel at peace again” or “is there anything I can do to help you feel better again?” are good questions in showing your genuine care and lack of criticism.  Your child may say something like “I want you to promise that you use your words rather than snatch.  You can then snatch that everyone agrees to use their words rather than snatch. 

Support them to problem solve.

If the conflict is still ensuing, once they’ve both felt heard and begun to calm down, you can support them to problem solve with questions like “What are the possibilities?”, “are there any other options that neither of you have thought of yet?”.

There’s always more information needed. 

Resist the temptation to take the first story literally and accuse the other of it e.g. “why did you hit your brother on purpose?”.  Resist the temptation to make excuses for one but not the other “she’s just having a bad day today because ….” That gives the message, “don’t be upset about her doing that to you because she’s having a bad day”, implies that one child’s feelings are more important and valid than the other.  You may see exactly what’s going on, but it’s always more powerful for them to work it out themselves.  A good question is “What do you guys need to do to come back to peace with each other?”.  Most of the time when I ask this question, they jump straight to “I’m sorry I ….”, “I’m sorry too, let’s play again “.  The question reminds them that they want to be at peace and reminds them that it’s something that they can just choose.  Generally when they fight, they both feel bad, feel guilty, feel hardened towards themselves and other and want somebody to release them from the bad feelings so they can feel happy, innocent and free again. 

 
Also, have a read through the information on conflict resolution on my articles page.

Children generally need help a lot earlier than they get it.  Generally parents either ignore the conflicts until they’ve escalated to a pretty bad state or intervene in a judgemental way that contributes more conflict to the conflict, more anger to the anger.  If you identify your child using a tone that shows there’s hurt being expressed, it’s better to come in early with a comment something like “it sounds like you’ve got some big frustration in your body, can I help you get some of that out?” or “you sounded very frustrated lynn, are you ok?” or just move in and connect with them and give them some connection, chat about the day, invite them to help you make dinner, offer to help them with their homework, etc.  This connection will generally heal generally stress and feelings of frustration and give the child the space to express anything they need to express.

The parent’s childhood experiences.

For most parents siblings fighting is very emotionally painful for us parents because the last thing in the world we want to see is someone hurting our children and when they hurt each other it’s very hard not to get very angry about it.  It’s one of those big trigger points for most parents.  The feelings that come up for the parent are very interesting feelings to explore with a caring listening partner who’ll let you vent and get in touch with the deeper feelings in you that are brought to the surface at times. 

It gets better

Encouragement is that as you practice these approaches more and more, the kids will become happier and freer and more calm.  This worked in this way because I came in before Oisin got angry at her, he had responded but it was something calm telling her that he didn’t like the tone she was using, so it hadn’t turned into an argument, but probably would have if I wasn’t there.  I believe children need our help to resolve these conflicts.  It’s hard enough for adults to unpack misunderstandings, for kids it’s very hard and causes them lots of frustrations to not be able to escape out of the conflict, but to get in thicker and thicker and then if they get in trouble for fighting, it can be quite overwhelming for them because now they’re in conflict with their sibling and their parent is “fighting” with them, which is how it feels when the parent is critical of the behaviour. 

According to Dr. Aletha Solter, the positive outcomes of mediating children’s conflicts and helping children problem solve are that the children:
— learn good listening skills.
— learn to understand another point of view (cognitive decentering).
— learn to empathize with other people.
— realize that their needs will be met; they do not feel resentful towards each other or adults.
— acquire creative problem-solving and thinking skills.
— develop self-confidence and self-esteem.
— become responsible and self-disciplined.
— learn valuable mediation skills that they can use as adults.

Sometimes, you can use all these great mediation skills and your kids are still angry with each other (when there’s a big backlog there) and they may not want to, or be able to, come to peace, they may loose patience with the process and want to stomp off and be on their own, go playing or whatever, but at least you haven’t added to their conflict and they’re learning great skills.  When this happens, it can often be their way of expressing “you just don’t understand” because perhaps the problems are bigger than the current argument.  This shows you that there may be a backlog of deeper hurts that they need one on one help with without having to worry about hurting the feelings of the other. When you can see there’s a backlog, then you can make time to have a chat with each child during some one on one time and ask them questions that help them identify, feel, explore and express their backlog of resentments and just keep listening and empathizing and opening and helping them deepen and perhaps the big stuff like “you’ve always loved him more than me”, or “it’s not fair that everyone thinks he’s so clever/ intelligent/ fully/ …. And everyone thinks I’m just boring”.  These big beliefs can pervade experiences and interactions every day with other people, without the child necessarily being able to identify the “pattern” and without them having any ability or skills to release those deeply painful feelings and consequent beliefs.  They need the help of a loving, patient, caring adult to help them work through this big stuff.

Children need Emotional Safety

Children need emotional safety in their home, in the atmosphere between themselves and their parent to allow them to be honest and responsible with their feelings.  A child who feels emotionally threatened, who fears criticism and rejection puts a lot of energy into defending themselves.  Children who feel unsafe become defensive children who build walls around their hearts and put more energy into deflecting criticism and tend to feel generally unsettled and unsupported.  These children will complain about all sorts of things that their parents do in an attempt to show their parents that their needs are not being met.  This is confusing for child and parent because the parent may feel that they are doing everything for their child, meeting all their child’s needs and yet their child is still unsettled, grumpy and ungrateful.  When parents come to our Peaceful Parent Courses, they often identify that their child no longer shows their vulnerability.  They become aware that when their child is upset, rather than showing those feelings and letting themselves talk or cry to release those pent up toxic feelings, instead they act out those feelings through unhealthy behaviours that are aggressive towards others or by shutting down, becoming aloof, bored, sarcastic or passive aggressive in other ways.  Parents realize the importance of children remaining open, honest and vulnerable with their feelings and the value of a child seeking support from their parents. 

To encourage your child to open up, you need to create for them a culture between you of emotional safety. 

Ways that we Shut our Children Down
Sadly, traditional parenting approaches, including a lot of the current parenting advice that parents still receive, focus on changing the child’s behaviour without necessarily fully exploring the effects, the cost to their child’s ability to identify, feel and express their feelings honestly, without exploring the effects on the relationship between child and parent.  Parents can simply ask their child, “how does it make you feel about yourself when I …..” and they will nearly always hear the truth.  If parenting approaches are a big experiment, kids can end the mystery because they have a huge urge to tell us the truth. 

When our children show us how they really feel and what they really think, they are giving us the opportunity to listen to them, to understand them and to help them.  When we respond in ways that give them the message that,

-- we don’t like their thoughts and feelings and wish they were different,
-- we don’t like the sort of person they are when they show us these thoughts and feelings
-- we can’t cope with their thoughts and feelings, we feel confused, overwhelmed, angry, resentful and we hate being made to feel like this
-- we know better, they should listen to us because we’re older and wiser
-- their thoughts and feelings are being exaggerated
-- they shouldn’t complain, don’t complain, it’s not that bad
-- we know what they’re really thinking and feeling, they dont
-- we think they’re making a mountain out of a mole hill
-- we think they should be stronger
-- we think they should be more responsible and more in control
-- we feel more empathy for the person they’re annoyed with than them
-- we think they are their own worst enemy
-- we think they’re causing everyone to be unhappy because of their thoughts and feelings

Listening to longings is a much-needed skill
Our world will become a very different place when we parents have spread the word about staying close and affectionate while our children as they cry and tantrum about the things they can’t immediately have or do. Children will have the chance to grow up with permission to unload bad feelings, and then to absorb our deeply satisfying attention. The empty and frightened spots inside them will have a chance to heal. We are citizens of a world full of people whose feelings of desperation need to be heard and healed, while justice is built. Offering love and listening to children while they wait for what they want is an important step in an excellent direction. And, fortunately, children with parents who set reasonable limits and then Staylisten to their feelings grow up to be thoughtful, responsible, and considerate adults.  

Anger in the family
Anger is a normal human emotion that most people face every day.  The world is not divided into the angry and the not angry people.  People are at different stages in their ability to deal with their anger, but most people experience it most days in the form of stress and irritation.  However, anger is a difficult emotion for most people to deal with (a) because it’s very strong and hence stressful and (b) because it’s the emotion that elicits the least empathy and support from other people.  The purpose of this article is to help you gain a better understanding of;

* What is anger? * Why does anger arises? * How can you best deal with your anger? * What are the positive functions of anger? * How can you transform your anger from being a destructive to being a constructive force in your life?

Anger is probably the emotion that is the least accepted and the least understood in our society.  Many people consider that they don’t get angry and are not an “angry person”, but this is generally because they are in denial about how big the anger behind their irritation and stress is. 

Anger arises largely as a result of internal conflict.  Our anger is always a cry for freedom from the parts of ourselves that feel repressed, encaged, invalidated, invisible and unseen.  It's always symptomatic of your true power trying to break free.  It’s generally a cry for positive action that will lead you to feeling more empowered and free.  When we can feel the power of our anger and make strong positive intentions towards making good changes, speaking our truth and generally allowing ourselves to be bigger and be more of who we truly are, anger gives you the energy to bring about powerful and positive changes. 

If our early conditioning relegated anger to be “bad” and led us to feel like a “bad person” when we were angry, then you may have been conditioned to deny your anger strongly. The people who challenge us and bring our anger forward are showing us the places where inside we are disempowering ourselves and feeling trapped.  They are painful but powerful challenges in that it's all pushing to the surface what needs attending to and forcing change, which is great. 

There is an inseparable relationship between Anger and Boundaries. 
If you are unable to
(a) identify your boundaries (“I don’t think I want this”),
(b) respect your boundaries (“It’s ok that I don’t want this”) and
(c) assert your boundaries (“thanks, but no thanks”),
You will either submit and allow yourself to be hurt, or fight back and hurt the other.  In fact, you both get hurt in both instances. 

For those whose boundaries were not respected as a child; when they said no, when they negotiated, when they resisted, these people generally grow up to experience a lot of anxiety, confusion and self conflict around expressing boundaries.  For such people, it takes a lot of courage to put up clear boundaries, but it's an essential step towards expressing yourself more clearly and with greater confidence.  Because there is very little understanding or respect for children’s day to day expression of their boundaries in our society, most adults have issues around boundaries. 

When others push or pull us, when we experience a battle of wills, unless we are very solid and clear with our boundaries, it provokes our anger.  In these instances, your anger is a normal and healthy communication to yourself that you are out of balance.  It signals that you need to correct the situation to bring yourself and the relationship back to a centered and balanced state.  It’s normal and understandable to direct your anger at the person who you feel pushed or pulled by, but the responsibility to express your boundaries clearly is your own.

When you're anger is up, you're fired up and can take those necessary changes with more courage and power.  It just takes a lot of discipline to direct the energy towards the good.  Your anger is largely screaming out “NO!!” to everyone who has ever repressed, dismissed or denied you, and that NO needs to be seen, felt, honoured and expressed.  Also, to harness the power of your anger to direct you towards positive change and the healthy expression of boundaries, you need to see this NO, as an energy of "YES!!" for yourself.  This perspective will help you to not direct it harmfully at others, because doing so is always a boomerang. 

We only hurt others with our anger from a place of desperation when we don’t acknowledge and honor our anger, when we refuse to listen to it’s wisdom, because we judge it to be “bad”.  Deep down, we always want what’s best for all concerned, but we NEED release in these trapped places and when we deny ourselves these opportunities, it’s nearly impossible not to spit it out to those around us.  When we do this, in an ideal world we could have empathy for ourselves and the pain inside and see it as a serious sign that we need to attend to this part of ourselves.  We need to not ignore, distract or otherwise repress our anger.  This is what caused the problem in the first place.  We need to honor our pain, our pain is always valid, always needing love.  But how?? 

A beautiful way of doing this work is through meditations or journalling.  Come in to a peaceful centered state, then bring forward that which is hurting you and making you angry.  Witness and feel it in your body while staying connected to the peace, then direct the peace into those angry feelings. This brings powerful integration. 

Writing is a powerful tool for exploring and expressing your anger.  Try writing to your angry self, asking how you can free yourself in these situations.  Let your angry self write back to you.  Dear Angry Self, what are you really feeling, how are you, what do you need?  If that part of you wants to curse and sweat and talk about hate, then excellent, just let that energy flow and keep flowing and trust that it will take you to a good place.  When the strong hurt has been expressed, the energy will soften and the wisdom and light and strength will shine through.

You will need to be creative to find healthy and constructive ways of harnessing the energy of your anger.  Your angry self is the powerful primal self who knows that you deserve better, it’s the part of you that wants to fight for your freedom, the part of you that is very clear about the things that hurt you and cause you shame and confusion. Your angry self is your Warrior Self.  Your anger is the ally of your fear.